Manah Sodhanam -Verse 11

As I was preparing to write this post, I suddenly realized that I no longer have to think too much about what I am going to write today. Also, I feel as if these lines are speaking to me more clearly now, than they were earlier. I used to keep overthinking the meaning of the verses and end up having a headache. But now, I am able to understand what the great master is trying to convey through the lines. I feel as if I have this nice buzz in my head...a small piece of calm that I can ease into, even when situations get overwhelming.

This does not mean that I have become a better person or am now the personification of a calm mind. No! Even as recently as last Saturday, I had a minor breakdown on account of some silly issue. But the difference is, I am now able to identify the issue as a silly one and stop worrying/fretting/agonizing too much about it.

Let me move on the verse no 11.

RAGADVESADAYAH  KAMAH  KRODHALOBHADAYO'PI  CA
AHAMKARASTATHA  SVARTHO  VIVIDHA  MANASO  MALAH

Different types of impurities of our mind are listed here. Likes, dislikes, desire, anger, greed, ego, selfishness etc are some of the impurities of our mind.


On reading this verse, I was trying to identify what is my major mental impurity. It is not greed, not selfishness, not anger either. I rarely get angry -except when I am hungry. It is fear and insecurity. These two keep playing the chicken or egg game in my head. And I feel that these two are the major culprits that destroy my peace of mind. Of course, other things such as likes and dislikes do come and muddle my mind, but the major chunk of unhappiness is caused by insecurities and fears.

And pondering a bit further, the answer becomes obvious. If I don't have any expectations, then I will have neither fear nor insecurity. Right? For example, I feel terribly afraid of old age. What will happen to me? Who will take care of me? Or, in the more immediate future, what if I don't perform well in my job? What will happen if the people whom I love the most fall sick? So, I have a strong sense of fear that stems primarily from some scenarios that my mind imagines. And, my mind always imagines about the loss of things/affections/recognition/people/situations like health, wealth etc -i.e, primarily a loss of security.

And all these so called securities that I wrap around myself like wealth, people, good health etc are attached to my expectations -I should lead a comfortable life surrounded by my family and friends with good health and prosperity. This is the expectation that I have of my life. But, can I remove this expectation? Is it even possible? Am I even thinking along the right lines? Oh there starts the headache...Hari Om!

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