Purpose

Why we do what we do is a very important question. And I had been struggling to answer this for the five years I was working in commercial banking. Why am I doing this job? Apart from salary, there was absolutely no other answer that I could give myself. Good pay, yes. In fact, a very good pay. Work life balance, yes. It was a five day week work. Work profile, yes. I had to interact with and manage the commercial accounts. Which means, low volume and high value. So yes, it was a good profile with amazing exposure and learning. But, I hated going to work.

Every morning, it was a struggle for me to go to office. Often, I just had to switch off my mind and completely ignore its protests. Because, fairly speaking, I had no reason to complain. It was a good job with good pay with a very comfortable work environment -in both the banks that I was working. But still, it didn't make me happy. I used to go through the five days of the week, looking forward for the weekend. And I used to spend the weekend, dreading the weekday looming ahead. Live this weekend to weekend life 54 times, a year is gone! And in the blink of an eye, 5 years were lost.

The only thought that made me cling on to the work was the money, the sms which came at the end of the month saying that salary has been credited into your account. Barring the thrill of getting the salary for the first few months, the work, though I was good at what I did, made me feel listless and empty. It is such a horrible feeling to live with day in and day out. To be unhappy when there is actually no tangible reason to be so, was like fighting an invisible invincible demon every single day!  My writing took a nose dive and thank God, my running kept me sane.

I was all these and more :(

I kept telling myself that I had no right to complain. "Many have it worse. So shut up and suck up", I kept telling myself.
"What else can I do if I quit my job?
"I will not get this much pay unless I work in a regular corporate environment.
"My mother worked till her retirement! How can I think of quitting within 4 years?
"Why am I such a loser?"
This and so many more such thoughts made me feel guilty for not being happy doing what I was doing. It was pure hell, because every cell in me was rebelling against this corporate lifestyle, but I didn't know any other alternative.

And of course, the fear of not having my own money was the one strong adhesive that kept me glued to my job. But that too, weakened slowly when I started realizing that I don't need that much money for my survival. It was too steep a price to pay for my inner harmony. And then, came the guilt. "Will I be a burden to my family and my husband? Is it fair on my part if I don't bring in my share of the contribution to the table? If I don't earn my living, then won't I technically be a 'dhanda soru'?"

It was finally my husband who said enough is enough and gave me the push to quit my job. "You have so many other interests. Am sure you will find what you want to do. So stop torturing yourself and put down your papers. Worse come worst, you can always go back to this job. If you don't take this chance now, you will never take it." On and on, day and night, he kept convincing and comforting me to put in my papers, my rock. Luckily, we didn't have any financial commitments and that helped in easing my conscience a lot. And when I did decide to put in my papers, I ensured that I will have other avenues of generating income, like sub titling, coaching etc. They were just back ups. More like a mental crutch for me to convince myself that I will not starve to death if I quit my job.

And once I finally did put in my papers, as usual, the "society" felt that it was their duty to put in their two bits.
"Why do you have to quit your job now? it's not like you have kids to take care of." (Seriously!!?? Is that the ONLY reason for women to quit their job? And the highlight was, when I told people at work that I have resigned, many automatically assumed and even asked me whether am quitting my job to start my family. Why??!! I am taking a break to figure out what I want to do with my life. Isn't that more important?)

"So many people go so far and struggle so much with commuting etc for their work. Here you are, in a cushy job. Why do you want to quit?" (Just because others are doing it, does it necessarily mean that even I have to do the same? Everyone has to walk their own path, and am walking mine. Why should I be compared with those who have it worse?)

"You know, you have so much opportunity for growth. Why quit now?" (Aarrrghhhhh...I don't want to be in this field at all! Then how can 'growth' in this field entice me?)

"You will be losing out on so much money! Don't throw away this money that you are earning" (A very valid and solid reason in these times of inflation. I had to struggle a lot with myself on this one point. But I finally reached a tipping point where the money lost its lure)

"What will you do whole day sitting at home? It is a total waste of your education and skill." (Not true. I blindly did an engineering and an MBA ONLY BECAUSE I HAD TO DO IT. I badly wanted to study literature or history. I didn't chose this line of work. It just happened automatically. I got placed in a bank right after my MBA and I was stuck to it. It was definitely not my life goal to work in a bank. And, it is not like as if am going to be sitting at home all day. The whole purpose of taking this break is to figure out how to pursue my interests and put my skills to use effectively.)

Sigh! But then, right now, I am so glad I took this break. And to be honest, my days are packed and am loving every single second of it. Also, I got an opportunity to start working with a school for special children as their public relations person, and it was then it finally dawned on me as to why I hated going to work.

It all boils down to purpose. I had no purpose to go to work. It was not my income that was supporting my family. The money I earned was not crucial for our upkeep. On the other hand, my husband's purpose of going to work was for the sake of our family. When the purpose is greater than one's own small petty self, there is no room for unhappiness or emptiness.

And when I work for the school, I could clearly see that the work I do is actually benefitting those who NEED it. But in corporate, my work was only going towards making others rich. This realization blew me and humbled me. What a great blessing I have in this life to make this choice of NOT working for my livelihood, but to work for a greater purpose! Finally, all the remaining guilt and doubt has settled down. And I thank God for giving me a purpose much much bigger than myself.