Existential Guilt and its pointlessness

Leaving aside the social, economic, environmental, political and all other aspects of this Covid-19 pandemic, I just want to dwell and delve within for a moment.

We can distract ourselves by looking at the screen of our smart phones and computers and other devices for only so long. With all other avenues of distraction out of our reach, there is no choice but to face the monsters within. 

The monster that I had to face was guilt. The irony here is, I didn't even know that guilt monster was actually lurking in my sub conscious, waiting to surface up unawares, grab me by my throat and drag me under...choking me in its vicious grip.

The reason it caught me unaware was that it has always disguised itself under various names and forms -the urge to be productive, to be constantly engaged in action, to be useful, to be successful, to excel in all that I do, to confirm to expectations of living a certain way, ticking off milestones, earning a certain amount of money, the validation, the appreciation, the drive to not waste my time... this one monster appears in so many different guises that I failed to see the plain truth staring at me all this while. And now, because I have quite some time in my hands where I am not actively engaged in some "doing" or the other, the monster, which was kept well fed and quiet for so long, reared its hungry head.

I have never been the person who could just be. I would be consumed by guilt if I was not being 'productive'. This can range anything from cleaning the house to studying or learning new things or creating something....basically anything and everything that;

a. Ensured that I was 'doing' something that is seen as 'useful' activities

Useful includes everything that kept my mind and body engaged and stimulated...Where there were tangible outcomes at the end of the activity. 

b. Ensured that I was 'not doing' something that is seen as 'useless'.

Useless includes mindless screen time -be it YouTube or other OTT, napping, lazing around etc.

While on the surface this looks absolutely fine and even a good thing, it is actually not, because it all comes down to the intention behind the action. And this intention is the monster that I am talking about -guilt.

The drive to do all these and more came not from a place of authenticity... they are not my desires. They are the projected expectations of the collective. They are not what I need to do with my life. These drivers were more like wearing beautiful, expensive, well meaning but extremely ill-fitting clothes that didn't make any sense!

We have been conditioned by the idea that we must 'not waste time', be 'productive', 'be useful' etc. And the measure of all this is the amount of money we earn, the respect we command, the contributions we have made, the appreciation we get and in this current age of social media, the likes and views we get etc etc. If we aren't being any of the above, we are deemed as 'useless, 'worthless', a person who is wasting their talents and resources, etc.

Because of this conditioning, we attach so much importance to what we do. We identify ourselves with our profession, our action, our relationships and what not. It is the armour that we wear to protect ourselves from the innate judgement that we face from within (ourselves) and without (everyone else around us). Because of this conditioning, we are constantly engaged in some action, preoccupied in the pursuit of something or the other - just to justify our very existence.

Now, with the lockdown, a big chunk of this armour is lying down on the ground, leaving us exposed. Making us question what we actually are if we aren't what we do... And I am glad that my monster surfaced. Even though it was ugly and painful, I am also thankful to it. Because facing it finally gave me the freedom to just be.

The kind of freedom that made me understand that there is nothing that I need to do, nothing that I need to confirm to and nothing that I need to prove to anyone. I am, and we all are "Be"-ings. We are here to just BE. Everything else is just an add on. 

When this became crystal clear, I felt so much peace and joy. It was like as if a big weight was lifted off my chest. Whatever I do, I do it from a state of "be"-ing. Not from a state of guilt induced madness for being productive or useful or worthy. And when that happens, there is so much grace and love in all that is done. :) The glorious feel of just being in my own skin. 

Now, please don't get me wrong here. I am not promoting laziness (though who am I to judge?). All am trying to say here is, this forced stop...this pause has made me look within to examine what is making me to do any particular action. What are my intentions and beliefs that are driving me? This is a question to myself from a very personal and subjective standpoint -Why I do what I do? And to  keep asking the whys till I strip away all the armour...till I break free of useless conditionings... those that doesn't serve me anymore. 

One of the most important aspects of true freedom is the absolute right to just exist. There is nothing to prove to anyone. There is nothing that we need to do to "deserve" anything this life. We don't have to justify our existence...even to our own self! We don't have to prove our worth. There is no need to be useful. There is no pressure to be productive. There is no need to be anything! All we have to is just BE. And from that state of being, let us flow through this life. Our very nature is that of existence, conscious and bliss. And we are already That. Om!