A small update

This has been the only week in more than 4-5 months wherein I have not run even for a single day. And I feel very very bad about it. But, since mid January, I have not been able to do so many things that I am supposed to do regularly. All  my mind space has been completely taken up by work, that I haven't even cleaned my table in my room! Starting from home at 9, then continuously working till 9 pm, then continue to interact with the client ...aarrrggghhh!!! I am absolutely hating it. I know I am whining, but I need to whine this out aloud, because only then can I even try to find a balance in my mind. Work has been so hectic that even when I was down with fever this week, I popped pills and rushed to office.

Most of what I have been doing for the past one month is trying to take over an asset case from one bank to my bank. It involves a lot of documentation and processes. And most importantly, it involves constant appeasement of the client who is impatient. I spend most of my energy in confrontation, convincing of either the client or my higher ups on certain terms and conditions, co ordination, constant movement -physically and mentally -between the client and my ops team. And I feel this will continue atleast for the next ten days -till the client is firmly grounded in my bank.

Does this mean that I have to put my life on hold till I finish this project? My Guru keeps saying that most of our problems happen because we feel that "I" am the doer of all the things and "I" am responsible for its outcome, when that is actually not the case. We are merely instruments in the grand scheme of things. So we can always take a chill pill and just do what we are supposed to do, without getting worried or irritated or frustrated. While I can conceptually understand this, I am not able to implement this. I am waiting for the whole process to be over, so that I can finally relax.

But then, once this is over, I am sure life will throw something else on my way to deal with. I can't constantly be in this limbo. So I am going to try to just do what I am supposed to do without feeling any emotional disturbance. How to do that? For starters, today, when I go to office and start with the work, I will just calmly do what I am supposed to do -resolve queries, coordinate the documentation, get the file fully in place and log it in -I will just focus on this.

Secondly, I will try and be as honest as I can with the customer with respect to the time lines, because, it will save both of us a lot of anxiety. to be very frank, I have very less control over the timeline as there are so many other teams that are involved in this process. So, while I follow up with the team, I will not split my hairs about the delay, because it is not in my control.

Third, I will resolutely NOT think about the remaining mountain of work that has to be done in this case, because, when I think about that, I start feeling sick in my stomach! "How am I going to finish all these? " I get smothered by more panic and anxiety. So, as mentioned earlier, I will just do what I have to do NOW!

Number four, I will stop whining mentally about all this. After all, this too shall pass.

And the fifth and the most important thing, I will purposefully do all the things that I am supposed to do -all the things that has been pending in my home front -whether I feel like doing them or not. Last night, I so wanted to write, but then, I was feeling no motivation to move out of my bed and turn on the laptop. So, I settled down and watched some of Gurudev Chinmayananda's discourses in YouTube in my mobile. In that, he talks about ritualistic religion and what he said was so apt for  my state of mind. Gurudev says that rituals are for the majority of the masses that are plagued by insecurities and fears. By focusing on the rituals, we occupy our mind with it, and in the process, cultivate patience. Because, given time, all our problems will resolve themselves. How true! I know that in another 10 days, all these will be behind me. But all that I am doing is running around like a headless chicken!

I promise myself that I will do the following things, in an attempt to find my balance and happiness.
1. Write everyday!
2. Start running starting tomorrow morning. No excuses. I escape into sleep, because, when I am up, I am constantly thinking about work. So I will get up early and run.
3. Clean my room tomorrow. My room has never been in such a state of despair.

Hari Om!

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