Manah Sodhanam - The beginning of my quest

My very first experience with spirituality was through a book called "Kurai Undrum Illai", by Mukkur Lakshmi Narasimhachar. The book comprises of eight volumes and I have only read the first one...in my 10th standard. So, I think you can understand what would have been my level of comprehension of that book. But something inside me really enjoyed what the book said. Do you remember the scrapbooks that were all craze during our school times? This book was to supposedly help you keep in touch with your classmates and we all used to fill pages after pages just before our 10th and 12th finals. The more witty you wrote in the scrapbook, the cooler you were. And why I started off with that tangent is because, in the scrap book, you used to have a field, which asks "In my next birth, I want to be-------------------------" . And thinking I was very mature and cool and also because of what I read in the Kurai undrum illai book, I wrote "I don't want another birth".

I had inferred from that book that the purpose of getting this life is to ensure that you should do your "Karma", dedicate all your actions to God and ensure that you be good and do good and hence, don't be born again. Because, being born again and again is a big pain in the ass. I went to such an extent that, I started studying my lessons as my duty and not something that I should do with the aim of scoring marks. I still remember one thought from that book. The author says, "Everything in this world is created by God. So when you are offering God fruits or coconuts or flowers or any other 'thing', you are offering him, that which he has created for you. So the only thing that you should offer to God is your mind -that too, a purified mind." While this is not ad verbatim, I have tried to capture my 15 year old mind had comprehended from that book.

And since then, I have always been very curious about this spirituality and karma and advaitha and Vedanta and the whole rigmarole surrounding it. I started reading a whole host of books that belonged to my late grand father. He had an astounding collection of Osho, Zen, JK, etc. and I tried reading them, but invariably they all went way over my head. They were too abstract. And that made me shut the book and turn to the comfort of pulp fiction. But one desire was always there...I wanted a Guru. I so wished that I find a guru...someone who will guide me though this daunting path of the quest of Brahman.

I kept hearing discourses about how only the Guru can lead you to salvation, the Bhagvat gita preaching how important Guru is in our lives, Bhaja Govindam finally concluding the Guru's feet are the ultimate salvation. But the concept of Guru was so abstract to me. I didn't know how to find a my Guru. I didn't know whom to approach, I didn't know where to go. But whenever I saw Dhakshinamoorthy in any temple, I asked him, "Please show me my Guru".

Then, after almost 10 years, I found my Guru, through my teacher. Now, when I chanced to spend some time with my teacher and told her how I enjoy writing, but am not able to write regularly, she has asked me to write everyday about a verse from this text by Swami Tejomayananda -my beloved Guruji. With their blessings, I am starting my journey of Manah Sodhanam. Hari Om!