In love With My Body

This new year, I have a confession to make. A freak injury has me sitting out of any forms of exercise for 3 weeks. The doctor's advice of not sitting down cross legged and not exercising for three whole weeks was a complete shocker. I have never gone without exercising for three whole weeks ever since 2008!

While it is only day 5 of 21, this no exercise rule has left me with more than one and half hours of extra time every day and has also got me thinking about my lifestyle in general and my weight in particular. 

I have never been a skinny person. Broad shoulders, long limbs and wide hips, I have a frame that will make me look like a skinny buffalo even if I lose weight. While in the final year of my UG, it finally dawned on me that maybe I have to lose some weight, as I started sporting a nice round small paunch that slightly stuck out of my dress.

I started walking in my terrace for one hour every day and cut down on curd and viola, within 4 to 5 months, I lost a lot of weight, thanks to the 20 year old body's metabolism. Even then, I didn't become a size zero person, but my stomach was reasonably flat with no jiggles anywhere in the body. Ever since, I experienced that as long as I exercised regularly, my body managed to stay in shape and  if I stopped exercising even for a few weeks, I tended to put on weight very fast -like as if all the fat was just hovering around me and the minute I stopped fighting the fat with sweat and toil, they happily boarded back again -especially on my stomach, hips and arms.

Thus began my battle of weight. Even after marriage, I stuck to this exercise schedule and even managed to run a couple of half marathons and finished one triathlon. Regular running and strength training gave me the advantage of not having to go on a diet ever. I realized that dieting is good to loose weight for an occasion but it is not a sustainable way to maintain the body. It is far more easier to eat healthily than to adhere to a strict diet plan -that too what with the GM diet of the good old days to the now trending paleo, keto etc.

Husband posing with all my running medals

Even when I was running actively I had many people who asked me incredulously whether I truly run, because I didn't have the runner's body. I was still the broad framed stocky person. I once went to register in a gym for strength training to help me run better and the trainer immediately started talking about weight loss. When I interrupted and told him that I wasn't there for weight loss but for strength training to help me run better, he just couldn't believe that I could run. He even asked, "madam, do you run? As in actually run and not walk fast?" I replied that I just finished a half marathon. Even then, he wanted to confirm whether I really completed the full 21.1 kms and grudgingly conceded that maybe I can truly run when I told him that I finished the run in 2 hours and 33 minutes. Needless to say, I didn't join the gym and ended up strength training by myself at home.

Finishing strong, rocking the 72 kgs.

Even when I was training for my triathlon -a grueling 6 days a week schedule, I was weighing 72 kgs. By then, I had resigned to myself long ago that this is the nature of my body and it can still do anything that I put my mind to. The years of running had made me realize that the body has its own intelligence and all that I have to do is listen to it -feed it what it likes (the body likes light, healthy food), rest it well and keep it challenged and well oiled by using all the muscles. Then I quit my job and did a yoga teacher training course and for the past one year, I have been teaching and practicing yoga. I now do one and a half hour of yoga asana and pranayama almost 6 days a week and thanks to yoga, I eat only twice a day -healthy home cooked food. 

Now, coming to the point, even though I have lived in this body for 30 years and kind of understanding about it for the last 8-9 years, I still feel a lot of anger and resentment towards it. When I meet someone after a long time and the first thing they want to comment is about my body, it really puts me off. "Hi Aruna, how are you? Looks like you have gained some weight..." Even acquaintances whom I haven't met for ages think it is ok to comment about the body. While it feels good when someone says, "You have lost weight, Aruna", it leaves me feeling very irritated when they comment that I have gained weight. 

I have ended up putting my body through punishing routines just because people started commenting that I had gained weight. It is not like I don't know that I have gained or lost weight, for God's sake...of course I know. The dresses get tighter, especially around the hips and arms and I feel heavy and bloated. 

The body can do anything that we want it to, even if it is not thin :)

As recently as a month ago, even when I was doing yoga regularly and eating sensibly, I started putting on some weight. Why? I don't know. Annual health check up revealed that all was well with my body -but there it was, silently becoming bigger. It caused a minor meltdown, complete with water works, where I wailed on my husband's shoulder -" I am fed up with this body. Why can't it behave? Why does it put on weight at random? What is the point of me exercising and eating well if  all that I get as a result is gaining more weight?" This is the same me, who strongly feels that one shouldn't be overly concerned about the body -it is nature of the body to now be now healthy, now sick, now fat, now thin. This is an equipment through which we get to experience this world in all its glories. So there is no need to fuss about it too much -just keep it healthy, fit and strong -that was my mantra. I strongly believe in it and say the same to those I teach yoga -but even then, I still let myself be affected by this weight gain.

Let me tell this, I have never felt so much hatred towards my body as I did then. I hated it so much and resented it for betraying me by becoming heavier and heavier. As they say, when we hit the lowest of the low, there is nowhere to go but upwards, wisdom finally stared dawning. And that formed the basis for one of my new year resolution. Before I say what it is, let me list down what I have understood, lest I forget my lessons.

1. Most of the times, we let others influence how we feel about our body. We feel elated when people comment that we have lost weight and defeated when they comment that we have gained weight. We have given others too much power over our bodies.
2. We are letting the society, our nosy aunty,  the snarky tailor, the long lost acquaintance and other such irrelevant and unimportant people dictate how we should look.
3. Too much of our will power, time, energy and mind space is devoted on "staying slim". We are born to do a lot more than constantly worry about our weight.
4. Even though we may strive to stay slim by regular exercise and diet, the body may still gain / lose weight. It is beyond our control
5. We have only so much time in a day -family, profession & other commitments often take priority over devoting much of our time towards exercising.
6. The state mind plays an important role on our weight. Stress, unhappiness, worry, anxiety etc makes us lose weight, or gain weight if we end up eating too much to cope with these emotions
7. The purpose of exercising should never be weight loss. Even though, initially that may be the case, eventually we should realize that exercising is an important part of keeping the body healthy
8. The body is a wonderful and intelligent equipment that we have been blessed with. We need to take care of it by eating healthy food and regular exercise.
9. It is important to love this body of ours - unconditionally. Yes, that means loving the body even if it has love handles, wings, jiggles, cellulite. And it is very very difficult to do this.

Me, fully happy and content in my skin, packing 75 kgs

With this understanding, I have taken the below resolutions for the new year.

1. No matter what comments others may pass regarding my body, I am just going to say thank you... Especially if someone comments that it looks like I have gained weight
2. I am NOT going to comment on others body when I meet them. "Hey! looks like you have lost weight..." Nope, am not going to say that either. I choose to look beyond the physical appearance
3. I will continue to eat healthy and exercise regularly -just because that is how the body should be cared for. Not because I want to maintain my weight.
4. Start loving my body unconditionally and thanking it every single day for always being there for me -helping me do all that I want to do.

Happy New Year, my dear people. Our happiness is with us. Let us not give away that power to others.